it's all a conspiracy

About a year ago I found myself kissing a young lady. This had been a rare occurance at the time and the situation surprised me. But moreso was her admission, post-smooch, that she couldn't take it any further as she and another friend had sworn never to sleep with me. The details of why this pact was ever agreed upon have never come to light.

They'd actually plotted against me.

It came as a shock. Having one's paranoia proved correct is crushing.

And I'm still convinced that the conspiracy extends beyond the two friends mentioned above.

So, without further ado, The Onion's own take on such things.