Sense of humour meltdown

This is replacing a drunken rant I wrote last night in a total rage.

My phone got stolen last night. It serves me right for being in a rubbish nightclub off Tottenham Court Road. Anyway, after having my phone stolen, my headphones are then stolen, meaning I can't console myself with music. I know I should count myself lucky that it was just the headphones, but it's a bit difficult at the moment. To be pickpocketed twice in one night is carelessness, to paraphrase Oscar Wilde. So after discovering the phone was gone I had a total sense of humour meltdown and shot vitriol and bile in every direction, even at the people trying to help out. So not only am I a victim of a crime, I'm also guilty of being a total arsehole. My punishment was spending 2 hours on nightbuses desperate for a pee. Karma works man, karma works. Believe it.